Funk

I can't explain where I am right now.

For lack of a better word, it's a funk for sure. I feel so lost - I have no idea what my purpose is in life.

I go through phases when it comes to my job. There are months when I really enjoy what I'm doing (which are few and far between) and others where I feel like I’m just another human robot working for corporate America, with no way to really make a difference in life. I feel like I'm here to do more than that. Sure, I spent all that time in school and am spending even more time studying now related to what I do, but I'm determined to not let all of that dictate what I do with my life. I always thought it was so unfair that you had to pick a major and get a degree, before ever really getting any experience in the subject (because let's face it, most of the time you can't get a job in your concentration without first getting the piece of paper). How are you supposed to know if it's really something you'll be passionate about that will give you satisfaction in life, or if it is something you can just learn to do? There are so many possibilities in life that I truly feel would make my heart and my soul happy, but my one obstacle with turning any of these dreams into realities is myself. I am not a risk-taker. I like stability. I like knowing how much money I will be getting every two weeks so I know for sure our mortgage will be paid, along with every other bill that comes along with being a grown-up. I am paralyzed with fear of the unknown, not to mention the fear of rejection.

Hi, I'm Tammy, the control-freak.

I am my own worst enemy and always have been. Not a day goes by where I don't hear "you should start your own business!" or "you could sell those!" or "I'll give you money to make me that!" and I have said time and time again I really feel like if I could spend all day in my craft-room, and still be able to pay the bills, I would do it in a heartbeat….but who really knows if that could happen? I am also my own biggest critic and an eternal pessimist (I know, I sound like a ball of fun, don't I?), so stepping out the limb and getting feedback on anything I make, that comes from within, is very hard for me to do. I feel like if someone were to tell me my stuff isn't good enough, it would be a huge blow to the pride because it all comes from the heart. Ashley is great at helping me get past this - he is constantly pushing me to be better and I feel a growing confidence on a daily basis.

The truth is, I know there is a bigger plan for me - for Ash, for us together - and it's just a matter of being patient until God decides to reveal that to me. I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be, for whatever reason, and I feel I need to get this CPA mess taken care of, for whatever reason, so I continue to follow the direction I am given, knowing there is a greater purpose.

I recently came across Proverbs 16:1-9, 20 last week and it's been resonating in my mind since then - isn't it funny how you can grow up in a church and are fed passages time and time again, but you happen to "stumble" across it again when it takes on a whole new meaning? I love how God works with this. There is never a situation where you just happen to come across a passage - it is always exactly what you need to be reading exactly when you need to be reading it. Sorry for the tangent - Proverbs 16:1-9, 20:

1 The plans of the heart belong to man,

but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

2 All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight,

but the Lord weighs the motives.

3 Commits your works to the Lord

and your plans will be established.

4 The Lord has made everything for its own purpose,

even the wicked for the day of evil.

5 Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord;

assuredly, he will not be unpunished.

6 By lovingkindness and truth iniquity is atoned for,

and by the fear of the Lord one keeps away from evil.

7 When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord,

He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

8 Better is a little with righteousness than great income with injustice,

9 The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

20 He who gives attention to the word will find good,

and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.

My heart is very heavy this morning. On my way to work, I prayed for patience, for guidance, for clarity, for faith. Faith in knowing God is near. Faith in knowing he will direct both me and Ashley in the coming days, months, years. Faith in Him.